I fell in love a long time ago, as he danced in between my drums

Musical intervals, in time, in lust for each other.

Beating, communicating with it’s skips.

We met alongside the vinyl & in turn he approached me

Whispering sweet delicacies in my ear, taunting me.

Enjoying it’s intoxicating remedy, hearing, listening.

He sang to me, using no words.

He sang to me, and I reacting through verbs.

He danced in me, responding with it’s vibrations.

Finally, letting myself go my heart started to beat faster.

No longer musically in sync with him.

I fell in love, I fell hard.

But he stayed.

He fell in love too.

My hands shake as I try to grasp the person I once was.
It takes time and effort to become a mirage.
But once you keep breaking what’s already broken, you’ll only find a skeleton, shattered & dusted from relentless effort.
Slowly, I slip my hands away from my face.
Bringing them to my sides as I attempt to brush away my memories.
“I’m going to change, this is going to change.” as I repeatedly say this never ending joke of a phrase, phased.
I stare at the door, wanting, wishing to leave my past behind me.
“All I’ve ever wanted was a peace of mind.”
I look at the door one last time, still staring.
Closing my eyes I push off my dead couch, stepping closer towards the door.
Doubtingly, steadily, then reassuringly.
“I am going to change, THIS is going to change.” I repeated, grabbing ahold of the doorknob.
My own genie, my own hero, my own person.
The time is now.
I am going to change.
This is going to change.

I opened the door . .

in

in the end

in the end we all die

in the end we all die the same

you and me

by

by that time

by that time we all start

by that time we all start to understand

you

you and me

you and me we all have

you and me we all have no control

in the end

losing

losing our faith

losing our faith we all make

losing our faith we all make a choice

I stand next to you to feel alive

To keep my heart beating,

But I may take some time.

I’m not ordinary,

Neither extraordinary,

Just a shade nonetheless —

Mixing in with with your whites.

I am a looping, overused love song,

To be reminded of who I am, 

Don’t make the same mistake —

And fall in love by holding hands.

Escape for yourself.

Escape to be selfish.

Escape because I love you,

And because I am more than capable of death.

Escape for will power.

Escape for piece of mind.

Escape, cause I’m a fighter;

And because love cannot erase my sins.

I yearn for the simplicity 

That comes from your touch -

Many fear my loneliness,

But my mind leaves traces of you

In the corroded trails of our prior life.

I yearn for the days when

Smiling came to me naturally -

Many fear my emptiness

But it fills my heart with hope

That one day I’ll find another you -

Yet only time can heal what others bruise.

You might not have been the one I love -

But you were the best regret I’ve ever made.

Now It’s time that I let what I know,

Clear the cloudy idealistic superficial view.

As I graciously attempt to touch the ground,

The roots will remind me -

And what I know will become what I knew.

“i wanted to write something beautiful

but from what i have come to acknowledge,

beauty comes in all forms;

from coal comes diamonds when polished.

so please, wipe away your tear-stained

mascara-filled eyes and seek truth;

the mirror is no enemy of yours,

because the beauty that has distracted me

from my writing, my thinking — is you.”

you say you love me …

you like that my hair is so curly & kinky

but my intelligence demasculates you.

you love how my body is evenly proportioned 

from the thiness of my neck to the thickness in my hips

but my sharp tongue violates you.

and surely you love how I make you feel like a man

quietly attending to your every needs,

but my being your equal scares you.

you say you love me

you say you love, me

I say you are in love with idea of me

cause you sure as hell don’t love who I am.

I love my intelligence, my sharp tongue,

I love being your equal, but you fear my love.

for once I’d like you to love me blindly,

& with open arms.

interlock your eyes with mine,

& for once see me for who I am.

before you hit bottom;

before you regret the fall.

“dear shade. won’t you go away?”

as I run far off into a distant place.

as my mind wanders into a desperate

spiral I attempt to save my inner grace.

“dear shade, why are you haunted with hate?”

bringing the evil with you leading me astray.

I want nothing with your darkness,

please just leave me be with what is left.

“dear shade”

as I try to scramble up the pieces of myself, 

“hopefully you’ve become a lesson learned, a distant past.”

as my mind had wandered desperate,

I found my inner desolate.

so I thank you for teaching me your ways

& will shine my light toward the mystic path.

In order to see what was left of me,

I have followed the shade & gained my strength.

And the moral of my pain to gain my strength,

I had to leave where there was nothing left.

i walk as the warmth of the lights carry me home.

used to let the creatures find me, now i walk alone.

but the path i chose will help me through the night.

so let the warmth guide me, let me feel alright.

let the light shine through & i’ll be alright.

i am more than my skin color,

i am more than my weight,

i am more than my regrets,

i am more than my mistakes.

i am more than my pain,

i am more than my doubts,

i am more than collected sin,

or a face in a crowd.

i am sound,

i am sight,

i am love,

i am life.

i am many things in the end,

but in the end i will survive.

i am intelligence,

i am rebirth,

i am identity’s element,

i am self worth.

i am many things in the end,

but in the end i will find a light.

things may be labeled,

things may be terrorized,

but i have been through many things

that have opened my virgin eyes.

bring me the sorrow,

through the pain i will strive.

i am many things in the end,

but in the end i will survive.

society may try to break you down, but in the end i will stand.

i am many things in the end, but in the end I fucking AM.

Have you ever wanted something so bad

You’d do anything in this world to get it?

Remember those hungry eyes,

the ones that lurked in lust for their prey?

And the adrenaline passing and pumping through your body

as you waited in angst to reveal yourself as conqueror?

How long you would wait for that moment.

That dear long special moment of triumph?

The victory so close you can taste it, like the Sherry wine of ‘75.

And didn’t you cherish as music to your ears the people you loved

showering you with excitement and pride in honor of your accomplishments?

I remember, I remember you wanting to live to thrive.

You lost your heart & mind. You lost yourself.

Never in a million years has this heart circulated better.

I never wanted anything more than to replay, replay it all again.

In this moment, can these holy stars in the sky, hold this moment forever?

In this moment, in this moment we were alive.

The flash of light that ended it all,

May you shine another day, for another life?

Say you’ll remember, say you’ll remember this time.

Crying mourners, as they hover over me.

Crying babies & whimpering nobodies,

Living lies in soul-less bodies,

May you leave me to slumber in peace?

Half of my heart escapes, slowly beating.

The Over-seeker dangling my destiny on lowly strings.

Where is my heart, where’s my king?

“I love you” being the only goodbye that’ll I ever need.

Say you’ll remember, say you’ll remember my love.

Say you’ll remember, say you’ll remember this goodbye.

Stealing my heart won’t bring me back to life.

Holding love’s leftovers & making yourself inhumane promises.

Yet you want to fix the past, make a future - make it right.

But it’s too late for your kingdom has fallen to the ground,

In an open coffin laced with red satin lullabies.

As the waterfalls start tumbling & slowly breaking down,

Locking onto my closed eyes.

But my love, don’t return my missing heart,

Losing your kingdom or mind won’t make me immortal.

This crumbling kingdom, my crumbling king don’t surrender your heart.

I’d rather die a million lives than you lose your crown, dimly shined.

Say you’ll love your lover, say you’ll love me dead or alive.

Never in a million years has this heart circulated any better.

I never wanted anything more than to replay, replay it all again.

In this moment, can these holy stars in the sky, hold this moment forever?

In this moment, in this moment we were alive.

The flash of light that ended it all, may you shine another day, for another life?

Say you’ll remember, say you’ll remember this time.

Crying mourners, hovering over me.

Crying babies & whimpering nobodies, living lies;

May you leave me to slumber in peace.

But where’s my everything?

Where is my heart, where’s my king?

The only goodbye that’ll I ever need.

Say you’ll remember, say you’ll remember this time.

Say you’ll remember, say you’ll remember this goodbye.

Stealing my heart won’t bring me back to life.

Holding it in your hand, making yourself inhumane promises.

You want to fix the past, make a future - make it right.

But it’s too late for your kingdom has fallen to the ground,

In an open coffin laced with red satin lullabies.

As the waterfalls start tumbling down, you lock into my closed eyes.

But my love don’t return my missing heart, keep your queen alive.

Say you’ll remember, say you’ll remember this time.

Say you’ll remember, say you’ll remember this goodbye.

Say you’ll love her, say your lover will stay alive.

Say you’ll be with her, say you’ll be with her in time.

Crumbling kingdom, my crumbling king don’t surrender your heart.

Love me dead or alive.

If it’s about what you leave behind then where is your mark,

Where did you leave your fingerprints?

And if you have done so much in your life is there a trace,

A single trace that marks the origin of it all.

These pictures in your scrapbook are a mere memory, absent-minded.

Can your fingers feel all the treasures left behind?

If not then you must not have been born with purpose.

Nor life to fuel the drive to leave and live as it’s meant to be

The light at the end of the tunnel has not ended my friend.

There is time to leave your mark.

Go. Run.